When He Went to Church
by pendaly
Summary: Karkat Vantas always felt weird in churches, yet many of the most important moments in his life took place in them. This is the tale of John and Karkat as they fumble through life together, and the initiation of their adventures happens to begin in a church. TW: Major Character Death, Religion, Mention of suicidal thoughts/attempts, Mention of abuse, Cancer


**A/N this was meant for me to get out emotion. I do not condemn or support church, personally I am rather ambivalent on the matter. This was not meant to be provocative in any way to any person, but was meant to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. But do enjoy the story. I don't own Homestuck. **

Karkat had always felt weird in churches. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that up until recently almost all churches at least looked down on homosexuality, or maybe it was the crushing silence, the feeling that something you can't see is watching you, or maybe it was how raw and pure the faith of the regular church-goers was, or maybe it was that he was atheist.

Whatever the reason, when John asked him to go to church with him he paused in thought fixing him with a skeptical gaze, "Do I _look_ like the kind of guy who would go to church?"

John shook his head looking down at his feet, "No, I just thought I'd ask. Normally Dave comes with me, but he's kinda… you know, not in the state anymore, so I was just thinking maybe you could come if you wanted."

Karkat scowled at him long and hard before softening his expression and sighing, "I'll think about it."

John nodded before leaving Karkat to sort through his locker, thinking over his request.

He didn't know what made him do it. Maybe it was that he really did want to please him, or maybe it was that he wanted to take Dave's place as his "Best bro", or maybe it was that looming pathetic crush he'd been trying to stifle for months, or maybe it was that nowadays he needed something to cling to, like religion.

Whatever the reason, when he showed up at John's house Sunday morning in a white button front and the nicest pants he could dig out of his drawers, John opened the door and smiled in surprise.

"Karkat! I didn't think you were coming."

"Shut up, asshat, or I'll change my mind."

"Alright we're leaving in like… 5 minutes."

Karkat stood fidgeting with his shirt, "So you gonna let me in?"

John laughed and scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "Oh yeah, come on in."

He opened the door a little wider, standing aside to let Karkat in the house. He walked in, still fidgeting with his shirt, which honestly was not nearly as comfortable as his regular sweater.

"My dad will be down in a minute or two."

"Okay."

He didn't know what made him follow through. Maybe it was that backing out now seemed a little pointless, or maybe it was that he kind of wanted to go, or maybe it was he just wanted to be around John.

Whatever the reason, he went to church with john, sat through mass, sat through hymns, and feigned disinterest through the whole thing. And one would have believed his disinterest if not for his uncomfortable shifting and hunched, tight shoulders.

That was the first time he went to church with John.

He didn't know what made him decide to join John on the French exchange. Maybe it was the appeal of getting the fuck away from his shithole of a home, or maybe it was getting to see a country described as 'romantic', or maybe it was the chance to just forget everything for three weeks, or maybe it was the lingering crush he still tried to suppress, or maybe it was that he just wanted to see how functional his French was.

Whatever the reason, he found himself living with a French family in Nantes for three weeks, sight-seeing with John and the other assholes in his class. When they arrived at the Nantes Cathedral he let the rest of the class wander ahead. He pulled out his camera and looked around the church admiring the architecture.

As he continued looking around the Cathedral, taking photos of the intricate carvings and paintings, he spotted a candle holder and, with his broken French read the sign "pour les qu'on prie pour." "For those that one prays for."

He stared at the box of unlit candles next to the group of lit ones on the little stand. 1 € for the little candles that would only burn an hour at best, and 2 € for the taller ones that might last a few. He dropped a 2 € coin in the box and then took one of the candles from the table and wondered what the fuck he was doing. He wasn't religious. He never believed in God and he certainly wouldn't _worship_ him if he did exist.

Maybe it was that he worried about him, or maybe it was that he loved him, or maybe it was that he couldn't help but feel protective of him, or maybe it was that he'd just found out that his father beats him, or maybe it was that he'd once told Karkat that he was going to kill himself, or maybe it was that he'd once actually tried, or maybe it was that Karkat had caught him cutting again earlier that week, or maybe it was that he felt the need to cling to something. Maybe it was the way that he felt obligated to.

Whatever the reason he bought a candle and placed it on the stand next to the others before taking the longer white candle and lighting it with another flame. He took the little light and lit the candle.

"Keep John safe," He muttered under his breath, "He deserves safety and happiness. Protect him. Please."

He stood there for a bit just watching the flicker of the candles.

Maybe it was that he was in a church, or maybe it was that he loved him, or maybe it was that he was worried, or maybe it was that he was scared, or maybe it was that he felt that he was allowed to, or maybe it was that he wanted someone to notice.

Whatever the reason, Karkat let a tear slide down his cheek as he watched the fire burn. Then another. And then another. Soon he was watching the dance of the lights and shaking with sobs. His vision blurred and he watched the wick shrivel and the wax pool as the group left him behind. He didn't mind. He preferred to be alone right now. Well, mostly alone. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned around.

John pulled him into a hug, "Hey, you okay?"

Karkat laughed. He should be the one asking if the other was okay. He should be the one offering a hug. He should be the one holding strong and keeping the other safe.

"No," He replied through his tears, "I'm not okay."

John rubbed up and down his back, "What's wrong?"

Karkat let out another sob, "I should be the one asking you that."

John sighed and held Karkat tighter, "No, what's wrong?"

Karkat buried his face in John's shirt, "You scare the fuck out of me sometimes, John. I'm not even religious, but I lit a prayer candle for you because I'm always scared every conversation we have will be our last. I'm terrified of losing you. March 3rd was the most terrifying day of my life, John. I was so fucking scared. I thought you were gone. I stayed home from school to just cry all fucking day long. Then when I found out you were still alive- Fuck, John I can't lose you."

John furrowed his brow and his chest tightened up, "I- Karkat I-" he started, "Fuck I… I didn't think- I didn't know it- shit I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Karkat."

They gripped each other tighter and Karkat took a deep breath, "No. No, don't be sorry. You're just dealing with your shit life. You don't have to be sorry that your dad's an asshole to you. You don't have to be sorry about something you have no control over."

"I'm not sorry about that, dumbass. Sorry about scaring you," John whispered into Karkat's hair holding him around the shoulders.

Karkat wiped his eyes and let go, "John, fuck I-"

"You?"

"I love you, bro."

John smiled lightly, "Love you too, man."

That was the second time he went to a church with John.

He didn't know what made him do it. Maybe it was that he found out that he had lung cancer, or maybe it was that he couldn't hold it back any longer, or maybe it was that he was at church again with John.

Whatever the reason, he found himself staring at John and then pressing a kiss to his cheek as they walked out the building. He looked down at the ground.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

John looked at him for a moment before leaning his head on Karkat's shoulder.

"It's okay."

"John? "

"Yeah?"

"I… fuck so I have a couple things to say here, first of all, I- I might be dying."

John stood bolt upright, "What!?"

"Don't freak, there's still a chance."

"Okay," He took a deep breath, "Okay."

"I have stage one lung cancer right now. That puts me at about a 50% chance of survival, so just. Don't freak out, I'm taking care of that plenty on my own."

"You said you have a couple things you wanted to say?"

Karkat nodded, "John, so I've been thinking, well, I've been thinking about it for quite a few years really," He closed his eyes and tried to stop shaking, "I love you. Like… more than as a bro."

"Oh."

"I know you're probably not into that, and you've said time and time again that you're not into guys, but I just… Fucking hell. Just forget I said anything, well don't because I thought you might want to know, but… let's not let it change jack shit."

John stood there in stunned silence for a while.

"John?"

He furrowed his brow and Karkat could feel his heart drop. There it goes. His only friend was going to just leave him. Well at least he wouldn't be missed if he died in surgery then. Probably for the best.

"I'll think about it some, and Karkat, you're always gonna be my bro. There is jack shit you could do to change that."

"Bet that's what you said to Strider."

"Who ever said he's not still my bro?"

"Will I still be your bro if I'm dead?"

John hugged his arms around Karkat, "You're not going to fucking die. You die I'll kill you."

Karkat snickered, "You dork."

John smiled, "Yeah but you know you love it."

That was the third time he went to church with John.

He didn't know what made him do it. Maybe it was the fact that he and John had been happy for a good solid three years, maybe it was that he even decided to go to the same college as John to stay with him, maybe it was that he would never love anyone else like he loved John, maybe it was that he took surviving lung cancer as a sign that he was being given a chance, maybe it was that John wasn't only his boyfriend, but his best friend too, as it should be.

Whatever the reason, Karkat found himself on one knee quivering and asking, "Marry me, shithead?"

John's eyes widened first, and then a grin crept across his face and he picked up Karkat in his arms swinging him around, "Yes!"

"Hey hey hey! Put me down before I revoke, asshat!"

"You wouldn't do that," John said, but put him down anyway before leaning down and kissing him like he'd done hundreds of times before.

They planned the wedding to take place at John's home church. Black and white tuxes at Karkat's request, though John fought long and hard for blue. Karkat paced back and forth as decorations were put up and tables set for the reception outside, biting his knuckle until it was raw and red. He felt arms wrap around his waist and he nearly backhanded John as he turned around.

"Relax, you look like you're about to shit yourself you're wound up so tight."

"Fuck you, John."

"Later, Karkles."

Karkat snickered, "You're so fucking immature."

"Like you're any better?'

"Point taken."

Karkat held onto John and smiled faintly and they just stayed like that for a few minutes before being thrown back into the hassle of preparations.

The next time they saw each other was at the altar, casting glances at each other and standing sweaty-palmed and wondering whether they'd worn enough cologne to cover up the stench of sweat under their respective suits.

"Do you, John Egbert, take Karkat Vantas to be your lawful wedded husband?"

"I do."

"And do you, Karkat Vantas, take John Egbert to be your lawful wedded husband?"

He fought the urge to reply, 'What the fuck kind of question is that? Why do you think I'm here?' and instead said, "I do."

That was the fourth time he went to church with John.

He knew exactly what made him do it. It was the fact that he'd been married to John for eighty years, the way that they'd grown to know exactly what the other would say, that they'd raised a little girl together, who wasn't so little anymore, it was the way that he'd stayed by John's side all through his life, it was the way that he couldn't stand to not say goodbye.

For all of those reasons, Karkat stood next to John's coffin, he looked peaceful and his face still seemed to carry that mischievous grin. He whispered a quiet, "Goodbye, John" and ran a thumb over the back of his cold hand.

He sat at the funeral service and listened to people talk about him. Their daughter cried as she recounted what she'd seen of him. Dave cried for the first time since Karkat had known him as he talked about John and his friendship with him, picking up the irony again from his youth. Jade cried as she spoke of what a loving brother he was. When Karkat stood up to speak he opened with, "Karkat always felt weird in churches."

That was the last time he went to church with John.

**Two months later next to the grave of John Egbert another headstone appeared. "Karkat Vantas, loving brother, husband, and father, who was grateful for the first time he went to church with John."**


End file.
